SIRIUS STAR

When I opened my eyes and saw the familiar objects around me, I looked around like a stranger, and when I faced the reality of waking up in the same place, I took a deep breath. I had imagined waking up on the planet I saw in my dream, but here I was. My throat tightened again, and I thought to myself, "I shoved the thought inside." I knew that every thought I stuffed into my throat exploded inside me. I looked at the small red dragon statue on the nightstand, particularly wanting to make eye contact with its eyes, to take the energy with courage and take a step forward. My cat was accompanying the morning awakening on Mars, meowing long and loud. It felt my restlessness and kept rubbing against me. Its presence felt so good to me. It approached, and I gently ran my hands over its white fur, which made me feel a little more relaxed. I struggled to sit up and got out of bed. I thought again and again about how to take a step, but each time I thought about it, my body became heavier. It felt like something was tying weights to my feet, pulling me down with every thought. It was impossible to erase that day from my mind. The thoughts from that day kept passing through my mind every second, and I kept thinking about the details over and over. I tried dozens of times to refocus on that day, but I couldn’t… I wouldn’t mind giving anything to relive such a moment. The hardest part was that I wanted to scream it, tell everyone, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to share this with anyone. It might be concrete for me, but abstract for them.

With the thoughts in my mind, I went to the kitchen, tuned in to the classical music station on the radio, placed the coffee in the machine, and set two quail eggs on the stove to boil. I meowed long with my cat behind me, washed my face and hands, shaved, took a shower, and moisturized my body. I smiled at the person in the mirror, and it laughed back at me... It was a hysterical laugh, and it went on for a while. I took a sip from my deliciously fragrant coffee, peeled the eggs, and swallowed them in two bites.

I loved dressing in bright colors, and I had since I was a child. I put on my yellow sweater over my royal blue pants and got ready. I put food out for the cat that was circling under my feet, and said, “Goodbye Mars,” as I left my house for a new day. I thought to myself, how many lives have I lived, and at the same time, I was counting the cobblestones on the ground. In an instant, a delightful scent of simit (Turkish sesame bagel) wafted to my nose from the bakery at the end of the street. I ran towards the smell as if I were flying, and before I knew it, I found myself inside the bakery. I gave myself up, contradicting myself, as I chewed on the hot simit.

As I walked slowly through the streets, I tried to guess the perfume smells of the people passing by. I even went so far as to try to guess their lifestyles. Then, when a woman distracted me, I lost count of the cobblestones. I stopped, looked at the sky, and thought of the moment when I spotted the Sirius star. I returned to reality and wondered if the signal I was waiting for had arrived. Then the bus came, and my half-hour journey to the observatory began. As soon as I entered the observatory, excitement began to fill my whole body. My deep belief and determination that one day I would communicate with other planets in the universe, that I would wake up somewhere else, kept growing stronger every day. I had been having countless dreams about this. I knew these dreams couldn’t be in vain. Since my youth, my mind had always been occupied with space. The films I watched, the books I read, were all about this.

Ah, if only I could let go of this thought. If only I could fully use my physical potential, I knew what I could do. It was easy to imagine. Being one of the few Turks working at NASA also made me proud. As a child, I always dreamed of being at NASA in my dreams. At the point where my thought turned into reality, I wondered where I was going wrong. Of course, one day, I would be there, but maybe I needed to work a little more on my dream. I climbed the stairs and started looking at the telescope records. The world's most powerful telescope, James Webb, had been launched from this observatory into space. I was regularly scanning the data coming from it, every day with new hope and excitement. When I was done with that, I would start scanning the stars. I even forgot to eat sometimes, probably seeing it as a waste of time. My colleagues often warned me. They all looked at me like I was crazy, I know, but with a slight nuance, I knew something they didn’t. What did I see that they didn’t? How could a person teleport? There was such a reality, and I had to use it secretly.

I shaped my plans and studies day by day based on this. I was scanning every frame of the day in my mind, down to the smallest detail—what I ate, what I thought, what time it was, my posture—nothing should be left out. That moment was the most beautiful flow of my life. Suddenly, a bright light coming from the sky flashed before my eyes. My eyes were blinded in an instant, and I was inside the light. I tried to focus more on the telescope, but I couldn’t because the light was getting brighter, and it was freezing me in place. The light started coming towards me and my body. I couldn’t move at all. In that second, very strange images appeared before my eyes. Pinkish sea with glowing blue ridges and a silhouette resembling a sailboat, inside which was a red, moving object I couldn’t define. Just as the images were about to deepen, they suddenly vanished. I didn’t know how much time passed, but it felt like hours, and I collapsed to the ground from the excitement. When my friends found me, I woke up to the scent they made me smell. I was in shock... Everyone was stunned, asking dozens of questions, but I brushed it off, feeling weak.

Three months had passed since that event, and since then, it felt like I was living in another world. What kind of hologram was I living in? Yes, I had experienced this extraordinary reality. Maybe the extraordinary thing I described was normal; I didn’t know. Every morning when I woke up, I dreamt of waking up in another reality, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Did I do the right thing?” Was this a selfish attitude? Should I share this experience? For now, I didn’t know the answer to this question. I felt lonely, even paranoid. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone unless necessary and never invited anyone to my house... Not knowing where my deep passion for the possible signal that could come one day would lead me… I had started to realize that I was the one who created this possibility offered to me among the infinite possibilities of the universe, but my subconscious was talking differently. Still, I felt the day was approaching, and I wondered, why not...

Arzu SEZGİN