PORCUPINE DISTANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

There is a porcupine story that some of us may know, and some may have never heard before: "A long time ago, there was a very freezing winter. This freezing winter affected all the animals and caused great losses. Among all the animals, the porcupines suffered the most. The reason for this was that, unlike many other animals, they didn’t have thick fur to keep them warm, and their quills, which were difficult to keep warm, made it harder to survive. In order to survive this situation with the least damage, a council of porcupines gathered and started looking for a solution. After much discussion, it was decided that at night, all the porcupines would gather together and stay close to each other to spend the night. In this way, the porcupines would benefit from each other's body heat and avoid freezing by preventing air currents between them.

In their first experience, they saw that this method worked, but another problem arose. The cold porcupines, being too close to each other, accidentally poked each other with their quills, causing injuries. The next night, fearing injury, they kept their distance, but this time, they froze. However, over time, by distancing and drawing closer each night, they learned to stay close enough to benefit from each other’s body heat while staying far enough apart to avoid hurting each other."

I believe the concept of "Porcupine Distance" is one of the most important concepts for maintaining healthy human relationships. The "I" that we define today is a personality pattern shaped by our DNA, the person who took care of us as babies, our family during our childhood, our relatives, and as we step into adulthood, the society we live in and all the people who come into our lives. This means that every person in the world carries quills on their back. These quills are made up of our worldview, filters, beliefs, what we define as right and wrong, good and bad, our needs, understandings we gain from life experiences, and our defense mechanisms.

Connecting is the most fundamental existential state of a human being. In Sufism, the word 'Human' is said to come from the words 'Üns' and 'Nisyan.' 'Üns' means to connect. While connecting is such a fundamental state of existence for a human, every time we fail to adjust the right distance in our relationships with others, the result is unfortunately frustration.

Our relationships with our parents, children, lovers, spouses, friends, coworkers, and relatives... Every relationship in our life has different dynamics, and each relationship we have is the result of the unique communication between ‘You’ and ‘Me’. Therefore, the "Porcupine Distance" is a different "correct distance" for each relationship we have. Moreover, this "correct distance" must change over time and with the process in every relationship. Just as the relationship a person has with their parents or children must be different when they are 10 years old and 40 years old, the "correct distance" of all relationships changes and evolves over time, shaped by life’s experiences.

I wish everyone a life where they can adjust a distance in all their relationships, a distance that is far enough not to hurt each other with their quills, yet close enough not to freeze to death from the cold.

Gökçe YILMAZ