KNOW YOURSELF

**Trying to open her eyes, dust from her eyelids entered her eyes, causing tears to fall. She then realized she couldn’t move her body and felt a sharp pain in her left arm. What had happened? She could move her body, but there was no space to move. She realized they were lying sideways, supported by the bed's iron. The only thing she remembered was that they had decided to part ways before going to bed. It was one of those nights again. When she slowly turned her head, she saw her partner, and for the first time in her life, she had never been this happy. But in that instant of happiness, it turned into deep fear. She immediately called out:

• Duru, please wake up, wake up...Duru wasn’t moving. In that moment, the first time they had met flashed in her mind, then she regretted what she had been thinking. Looking more carefully, she saw the pile on her leg. She couldn’t hold back the tears and was angry with herself for not being able to move. She couldn’t see the blood, but she could smell it. She forced herself to stretch out a bit more and grabbed her hand. After shaking her a little, she started calling out.

A short time later, Duru woke up. They were stuck in a dilemma, unable to move, not knowing what to do. They realized that waiting was their only option. Yes, they had to wait. They had made all the calls they could remember, and the rest was silence, filled with meaningless sounds. They began talking to suppress the silence. In those moments, people feel the need to apologize, thinking that all sins have a price, and those magical moments when the cold, unknown feeling of death approaches.

Three hours had passed, and despite everything, the clock was still working. It was working, but everything was dark, filled with muffled sounds. While hundreds of thoughts spun in her mind, she tried to understand what she was experiencing with her partner amidst this destruction. Yes, it must have been an earthquake. But what would happen now? How long would they have to wait? While thinking this, her partner confessed.

• "Forgive me, please," she said, praying. "I did you wrong."

• "Wrong? What wrong?"

• "I had our child aborted without telling you."

• "Abort it? How could you do such a thing! How could the bond between us be so broken?"

• "I wasn’t sure, things were getting bad, and please forgive me, I’m so sorry."

Tears started flowing heavily.

• "Right now, we are at death's door, and if all of this had never happened, I would never have learned this, and you’re asking for forgiveness? Is that so?"

They experienced an incredible breakdown, a sort of confession, and the invisible truths behind the visible ones. Finally, Ali said:

• "I wonder how many people are living the life they thought they were living."

They remained in silent waiting for a while. The only thing that eased the pain in their bodies was not being alone. As they passed through everything that had happened, their entire life passed before their eyes like a film strip. Spiritual confessions never stopped. Duru’s strength was starting to fade, and the deep pain inside her was gradually overtaking her physical body. Duru couldn’t move at all, and her consciousness was wavering. Ali’s helplessness drove him mad. But there was nothing he could do. He realized that Duru’s body was growing colder, and he could only hold her hand. He could move his legs, but not with joy because seeing Duru like this was devastating. He wanted to hug her tightly but couldn’t. Meanwhile, his anger was pushing his conscience. He was experiencing pure duality.

Strange sounds and smells came from outside. Ali was trying to distract Duru to keep her awake. Sometimes, the sounds would intensify, and their hope would rise, but when the sounds faded, the melancholic waiting would return. They were experiencing rapid ups and downs. Their minds would shut off in places they couldn’t understand, sometimes working quickly as if doing a full accounting of their life, bringing up the most unexpected things, while at other times they would freeze in silence. But one thing was clear: their bodies felt like they didn’t belong to them, like they were about to leave. No, this couldn’t be happening. Why would God punish them? What sin had they committed?

• "We still have so much to live. Why now? Why here?" Ali suddenly shouted.

Hours were passing. They were in the middle of a deep discussion. Their conversations turned into confessions, with no details, lies, or mysteries left. While doing this, they also felt embarrassed asking, "What are we doing here now?" At the point where words ran out, they yelled as loud as they could, and when their strength was gone, they fell into deep silence and melancholy.

• "Living is so different," Ali said. "Everyone tells you to do this, do that, but being caught in sleep... I’ve never read or heard of such a thing."

They spent hours questioning the meaning and mystery of life. While saying to God, "Why now? Why this time?" Ali spoke in anger:

• "Please tell me one person, just one person, living without duality in their soul, living the life they want and wish with their own desire. Just one!"

Duru lay still. Ali remembered the day he first saw her beautiful blue eyes. To leave her like that, watching her go to eternity... no, all of this must have been a joke. He looked at his watch, wondering what time it was in the world. He could only hear the sound. Despite trying to keep her awake, Duru had fainted, and she didn’t know yet that she had closed her eyes for the last time. He could only hold her hand, pull it, shake it, but no sound came from Duru anymore. Her hand was cold as ice, and he couldn’t see how her body was positioned or what had happened to her. It was the greatest helplessness of his life. No, this couldn’t be happening. They hadn’t even said goodbye yet. How could a person think of such an end? He didn’t even want to think about it; he was rejecting it.

There were sounds of shouting, hammering, the smell of smoke, an indescribable nauseating sharp smell, and cold. Cold was slowly enveloping his whole body, and Ali had given up, lost in disbelief. Just then, he heard a shout: "Is anyone there?" He couldn’t be happy about it, even for a moment. He thought, "My inner voice says ‘shut up,’" but his impulsive voice shouted, "I’m here." What would happen if he survived? What would happen? They reached Ali. They first took Duru. They pulled her out from the rubble, and he thanked them. He didn’t know it was her final farewell because he had been searching for her body for months, and he couldn’t find it.

Months later, for the first time, he was going to leave the city and go on a journey for himself, not to break his mother’s heart. It had taken a long time for him to heal. But he didn’t call it healing; he didn’t want to feel good, and he didn’t even want to hear the word. There were so many things he couldn’t define. The only reason he was here now was because of the sentence his mother had said:

• "Those who seek will not find, but those who find are always the seekers."

After an eight-hour journey, he finally saw the sign. Eight hours felt like eight years. Since leaving the city, the guilt inside him had tightened even more. He turned and entered a large garden. When he entered the path surrounded by giant trees on both sides, he felt completely different. Beautiful scents filled his nose, and when he turned to the right, he saw rows of lavender plants. Just before entering the main entrance, he saw a large inscription in capital letters: TEMET NOSCE. He wondered what it meant. As he entered the parking lot, he saw a bright red dragon sculpture. He thought to himself that it was impossible not to be affected by it. He handed over his car, phone, and all his belongings. He was left completely naked. The attendant who was waiting for him said, "We have two pieces of clothing ready for you, one for the day and the other for sleeping. This is your program," and handed him the clothes. He was left standing still. Suddenly, a thought popped into his mind: "A piece of bread and a cloak."

He asked the attendant:

• "What does Temet Nosce mean, written at the entrance?"

The attendant replied with a smile:

• "It’s written in golden letters at the entrance of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi. It means ‘Know yourself.’"

• "What about the dragon sculpture? And especially the red one?"

• "The dragon symbolizes unlimited energy," the attendant replied, smiling.

What kind of duality is this, he thought. A place has been created and organized just for a person to feel good, and now I’m going to participate in it.

Arzu SEZGİN