A SCIENTIFIC AND SOCIETAL PERSPECTIVE ON FORGIVENESS

“HOLDING A GRUDGE IS LIKE HOLDING A BURNING COAL IN YOUR HAND TO THROW IT AT OTHERS” (Buddha) It continues to burn you from within as you carry it.

We are psychosocial beings. We need emotional bonds where longings, dreams, passions, or griefs are shared. At the same time, these bonds, which also open doors, bring personal vulnerability along with them. An injury in a relationship brings resentment and anger. When revenge feelings are added, strong anger affects not only the individual but also the collective consciousness. Aren’t you aware of the growing anger in our world? Did we inherit it from our ancestors? Should we protect ourselves with our bodies to stop it? Doesn’t violence bring more violence? Then there must be another way… For example, could mass movements for freedom and peace, such as mass transformations, be utopian?

Studies have shown that it is possible to overcome and control anger, and the process starts with forgiveness. When each of us begins to forgive ourselves and those around us, can you imagine a small domino piece toppling centuries-old blocks of anger and building walls against a dark past? Let’s be realistic first…

According to scientific studies, while humans have a tendency to hurt each other, they also harbor the instinct to forgive one another. It has been observed that replacing destructive emotions with constructive ones and removing revenge thoughts from the mind through forgiveness has a positive effect on individuals' health, both physiologically and psychologically. Healthy individuals contribute to a healthy society and a healthy world.

First, let’s define what forgiveness is not. It is not an obligation, a sacrifice, something one has to endure or a concession to be made for further abuse. It is not excusing, overlooking, compromising, presenting conditions, or denying. These actions remove responsibility from the mistake. It is never about forgetting… which is the root of the "unfinished business" problem that most deceives us and lays the groundwork for subconscious anger. I will elaborate on this topic in detail.

Forgiveness used to be a philosophical/religious practice supporting virtue, conscience, and morality. With increased attention, some researchers in positive psychology began presenting theoretical models in the late 20th century. Some of the findings are directly included here:

“Forgiveness helps a person regain their self-worth and self-esteem / It gives the person a sense of control, reducing neurotic disorders / Forgiveness also provides psychological and spiritual maturity while reducing negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and anxiety, and enables a person to live in the present / It helps increase relationship satisfaction in interpersonal relationships” (1) Conversely, repressed anger prepares the ground for many psychosomatic diseases like ulcers, heart diseases, and high blood pressure.

Aren’t the results encouraging and hopeful? Moreover, their applicability and learnability are possible… Undoubtedly, it is not an easy process, and it involves emotional, cognitive, and behavioral stages. There are also subconscious/unconscious concepts involved, a vast ocean… Who knows what is hidden in the shadow we ignore?

Maybe the first trauma really started with separation from the womb. Based on the mother meeting the baby’s needs, we have learned love and hate alongside forgiveness, through images of “good mother” or “bad mother.” Looking at adults, the rate of forgiveness is higher in women than in men. This is attributed to men being more prone to narcissistic personality. Narcissistic personalities are said to harbor a significant fear of inadequacy in their subconscious, and the anger in all men is thought to stem from an unconscious need to prove themselves in war, violence, and abuse.

Since ancient tribal times, separation from parents, the struggle for survival, the responsibility to protect one’s homeland and take care of the family have been accompanied by the fear of not fulfilling one’s duty… a sense of inadequacy… This is thought to be the greatest unconscious fear in men. Jungian psychoanalyst James Hollis says: “Men’s lives involve violence because their souls have been violated, wars are inner battles; with men’s brothers… If they are to heal, they must act from within themselves” (2). Why am I writing these? Because in order to transform, one needs to know, realize, and understand. Empathy is necessary for forgiveness. We must first know ourselves, our past, our inheritance. It’s about not shifting responsibility to our ancestors but taking responsibility and accepting ourselves as we are, without fear or anger.

No matter what has happened over thousands of years, we cannot change the past. However, the current change transforms the future. When our perspective changes, our thoughts change. When they change, our energy changes. Thus, the electromagnetic signals we emit pave the way for a new existence. Fate transformations become inevitable. Let’s return to our subject of forgiveness. Because it is the cornerstone. Let’s begin by moving from within through forgiveness.

Traumas remembered or forgotten (conscious mind forgets, subconscious does not) from childhood to adulthood, unfulfilled needs for love, injustice, disappointments, unexpressed reactions, unspoken words… Many similar examples remain as "unfinished business." In daily life, serious problems arise from unresolved anger, such as tension, reactivity, and blaming. Similar events may even recur, as the subconscious often brings unresolved events to consciousness in an attempt to resolve them. The event takes place. It’s not actually a subtle event, but spiritualists call it the law of attraction. A remembered event occupies the forefront and continuously occupies the mind. Unfinished business sometimes manifests in restless dreams, anxiety disorders, stomach and heart diseases, or obsessions. When your soul suffers, there can be no freedom or right judgment or choices.

Many cognitive models have been applied on this. In the Enright Forgiveness Process Model: The exploration phase involves awareness, evaluating the meaning both individually and socially, identifying defensive mechanisms, and assessing negative emotions and their effects. After this traumatic and challenging phase, in the decision-making phase, the benefits of forgiveness are questioned. The action phase aims to change perspectives through empathy. In the deepening phase, it is ensured that one consciously distances oneself from negative emotions such as anger and revenge.

Certainly, the severity of trauma, the closeness of the relationship, expectations, and even individuals can affect the ability to forgive. For example, as perfectionism increases, forgiveness decreases, while emotional intelligence has been observed to increase forgiveness levels. Narcissistic individuals have low insight and do not accept mistakes, so their forgiveness levels are also low. The most important criterion is the severity of the trauma, with verbal and physical violence situations in the first two categories. In this category, the intention and apology of the offender are usually considered important. However, in the third and fourth levels, support therapies may be needed. These situations are damaging and humiliating to one’s self-perception. In such cases, an apology can be counterproductive, and confronting the situation may not even be considered forgiveness.

Let’s also mention some situations that prevent forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is generally harder. When someone else is guilty, you have the opportunity to distance yourself from them, but you cannot escape from yourself. Because you are guilty… Or because you couldn’t give the necessary reactions, take the necessary precautions… How long will you carry this burden? If you were asked to hold a full glass of water, for how long? How many minutes, hours, or days could you carry it? Letting go of the load from your shoulders will not remove the responsibility of the event. On the contrary, it is about taking responsibility and accepting the mistake. It is about looking at what can be done next. Maybe making amends or setting an example to prevent repetition.

Another important issue in not forgiving is, “Why should I forgive when they are guilty? Shouldn’t the crime go unpunished?” Of course, it doesn’t go unpunished… It doesn’t mean that legal or social processes won’t take place. This is just for your peace and health. If you don’t forgive, even if you are unaware, it will continue to be a part of your life.

It’s also very important that the other person doesn’t need to know that you’ve forgiven them. Confrontation is not necessary either. In fact, it can be traumatic. It’s never about someone being right or wrong. On the contrary, this judgment keeps you in a victim mentality. With a conscious choice, emotional, mental, spiritual, and energetic transformation, the flow of your life, both materially and spiritually, will change. I’m sure of this because I’ve experienced it myself.

So let’s heal your unhealed wound. Of course, being ready and making a conscious decision is necessary. First, lift what you’ve covered over it. Remembering again may be hard. It may have been a behavior done consciously or unconsciously (even though you don’t know the subconscious scenarios of the offender). But right now, your peace is what matters. Remember that the situation is in the past, that we cannot change the past, but we can change its negative effects on us. Remember that the person or situation that caused this is just one of millions of possibilities in the world, something you attracted into your life, and that the one who made the mistake is human. Maybe if they knew better, they wouldn’t have behaved that way. One of the simplest methods is Gestalt Therapy. You can imagine an empty chair, place the person or people in it, and say whatever you need to say. If necessary, shout… When you feel relieved, tell them you forgive them, turn your back, and imagine the peace of your new life… Feel the lightness, the clarity in your mind. Instead of anger and revenge, connect with your life purpose as an individual with love…

In different psychological works, it is suggested that methods like Native American fire, role-playing, dream work, and psychodrama are useful for completing unfinished business. Effort and reflection are said to be needed. However, in my opinion and experience, after making the decision, it will be more effective and easier if you let go emotionally and spiritually, without overthinking it too much. Good results are possible with meditation or with the forgiveness work of İsmail Bülbül, which deeply impacted me.

In summary, increasing forgiveness, according to scientific results, is necessary for both individual and societal well-being. From a spiritual perspective, each of us is responsible for our inner world. Let us transform, so your world will change. With the wisdom of forgiveness, you will choose peace and happiness instead of resentment, hatred, and anger. Stay in peace.

Yasemin KAYA

References:

1. https://dergipark.org.tr/ International Journal of Current Approaches in Language, Education and Social Sciences Affetme: Kuramsal bir değerlendirme CALESS 2020

2. Satrürn’ün Gölgesinde/ James Hollis

3. ÜNiVERSİTE ÖĞRENCİLERİNDE AFFETME/ Gizem BESİM Hacettepe Üniversitesi Eğitim Bilimleri Anabilim Dalı, Psikolojik Danışma ve Rehberlik Bilim Dalı Yüksek Lisans Tezi